MISSION #4 GRADE

First thing's first, let's see if HilMF met all of the requirements of assignment.


1 - Google list in chronological order
While this was not a list, I applaud your creativity and enjoyed the read immensely!


I give this submission an A+


It reminded me of a dream I once had... except the whoopie pie... I NEVER dream of that!
Excellent submission Agent HilMF.  


Until next time,

-Schlitz

MISSION #4: Completed

Agent Schlitz, Below is my assignment for your grading. I had fun with this assignment so I thank you.

It did not start off well. First, I drop my peanut butter toast on the floor and of course it lands peanut butter side down. Then, I go to the mailbox to see if the super sleuth micro magnifier I sent away for arrived. It didn’t. Of Course. On my way back into the house I tripped on one of those invisible cracks in the sidewalk but somehow summoned all my core muscles to action at once to keep me upright. Fortunately, only my dignity was wounded as my oh-so-friendly neighbor’s laugh was completely audible from inside his sealed automobile. Did I wish that for just one second that he would get into an ICY CAR CRASH? Yeah. Did I feel badly about it point three seconds later? Yeah. Onward and upward with the day…

I entered the house to hear my brother shouting at me to “comeer, comeer”. I comeered. What you ask was so important that I traipse all the way upstairs to see? Why that would be 7 different YouTube videos of Army trainees being mandatorily sprayed in the eyes with MILITARY GRADE PEPPER SPRAY. Yes, watching skin-heads running into walls and hopping up and down is funny, but I just wasn’t feelin’ it at the moment. I was however feelin’ the WHOOPIE PIE I saved from dessert last night and thinking how it would make a great replacement to my floor toast. You know what’s not a good idea? Heating up a whoopie pie in the microwave and then biting into it seconds later. The cream frosting was like SPEWING LAVA as it landed on my exposed forearm. My woopie pie is now next to my peanut butter toast on the floor. Score one for the morning. So at that point, it was Day: 4, Me: 0. Did I wrong someone yesterday? Was this Karmic retribution of some sort? I needed to change things and I needed to do it fast so I rummaged through my metaphorical desk drawer and pulled out my SINISTER DEVIL. I put it on my shoulder and walked out the front door prepared to reject any and all shit waiting to be flung at me.

I pulled into the mall parking lot. Yeah, yeah, I work at a mall. Shove it. And you know what, I don’t even care if you think that’s lame cause I got the front parking spot. Sure we’re supposed to leave those for customers, but I needed to even the score. Point, me. Anyway, the mall wasn’t open to the public yet so I got to use the awesome secret entrance that’s down that small alley and to the right of the dumpsters. You know what, I’m putting that on the board: the right to use the super secret entrance equals another point for me. Although, If we’re gonna be fair about this, I suppose I should give a point to the day because while using this super secret entrance I was startled by a MANNEQUIN IN A BRA sticking out of the dumpster and jumped backward right into a garbage can filled with discarded batter from the corndog stand in the food court. If you’re keeping score, at the point of mall entry it was 5-2, Tuesday.

Once I was inside away from all creepy dismembered mannequins. I saw my cousin walking toward me. Ugh, she’s such a loser; who wears hoop earrings and bedazzled moccasins when they work at an EXTREME SKIING store?! Why does she even work there? I bet it’s so she can star at our other cousin Benny all day. She’s always talking about him with this ga-ga glazed over look in her eyes, “Benny EXPLODED A PORTA POTTY the other day; he’s so dreamy”. Gross. Get a room. And a new family.

My favorite thing about this time of year, you ask? That has to be in indoor ice skating rink the local homeless shelter sets up in the mall center. All day long these goons show up to impress their girlfriends by doing “tricks” on ice. Do you count lifting a leg 3 inches of the ground a trick? No. Didn’t think so. Neither do I. Some of these guys even get up enough courage to rent a stick and give their hand at a game of hockey. I hear the homeless get an extra dinner roll for every prop item these goons rent. Not a bad deal for the hungry. So yeah, COMEDIC ICE HOCEY by a bunch of goons with JUSTIN BIEBER HAIRCUTS from 3-4:30 if you’re not busy.

My boss pretty much thinks I’m the best employee ever so he totally lets me open the store on my own. I pulled up the gate, ran to the back to disarm the alarm and flip on the lights. Total disarray. I swear! People just don’t take pride in their work these days. The SPACESHIP REPAIR section of the store looked like just that - that somebody abandoned ship right in the middle of a repair mission. Oh, I work at an aeronautical model shop be-tee-dubs. FAMILY FARMING is in my blood, but it’s not in my brain. I think I’m past that. Who wants to spend the day cleaning up after pigs and goats when we should be studying how to get them in space for when the human race is forced off our planet by the brilliant Zoltex creatures?! I digress. The chairs they have for us to sit on here at the store are really uncomfortable and I like to be on my game when I’m in the shop so I keep a BIG COZY COMFORTER in my employee locker. That way I maintain stamina when assisting our customers or working on my latest intergalactic shuttle.

Josy is my favorite customer. She comes in about every other week or so to check out our latest arrivals. She’s a RETIRED STRIPPER who finally saved up enough money to quit dancing and pursue her passion of planetary study. She always tells me how she had this plan from the beginning, “I ain’t gonna be just another OLD LADY DANCING. I got goals, ambitions and dreams. I’m gonna reach those stars one day Jackie”. She’s pretty cool.

My friend Rick works at the Home Depot down at the fancy end of the mall. I don’t see him much on account of the mall code. You know, Mall Code: certain parts of the mall are cool and certain people work at certain stores and we’re all kind of encouraged to stick close to home. I think it’s bullshit, personally. Anyway, Rick came to see me on his lunch break today and told me this story about a guy who came in and asked for some landscaping advice. He asked Rick for a BIG HOE that would be really good at plowing. Rick doesn’t have the best manners you see and well, he doesn’t work at the Home Depot anymore. It’s too bad too cause we were working on a project together. We were trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for building a HUMAN SIZED JELLO MOLD and then launching LOTS OF PIGS out of it with a rocket device we were building using borrowed Home Depot tools. Get it? We were trying to make pigs fly. The Jell-O was just for fun. Now that that’s out the window (and not in the good way) we’ll have to come up with another plan. Aw crap, my boss has a thing for SHANIA TWAIN but he’s only got this one old CD and it always skips. Hold on, I’ll be right back.

OK, where was I? Oh yeah, so that’s pretty much my day; I’ll sit here and make my models, help the customers and try not to kill myself when I hear ‘That Don’t Impress Me Much’ for the 27th time before my first break. It’s not glamorous but I sure do enjoy it. I guess that’s a big point for me there. Not many people are happy with their jobs. So let’s see, with running into lame-o McGee cousin, the store being a mess, Rick getting fired and no more flying pigs, watching bad ice skaters, seeing Josy and liking my job, I suppose that makes the score 8-5. Man, I’m a regular LEATHERHEAD FOOTBALL counter with all this score keeping! Who says I don’t know sports. My brothers, that’s who. 9-5.

-- Agent HilMF

MISION #4: Accepted

March 7th, eh? Though that date is rapidly approaching, I think it can be completed in seven days. I'm in. See you on the other side Schlitz et. al.

MISSION #4

WEEK # 19 - 02.28.11 10:30 EST


Agent HilMF, 


Your assignment category of the week is: WORDS


Sub-category: "Things I Googled at Work (For Work) Today"
The only requirements for this assignment are to keep your list in chronological order.


Our theme is a submission from one of our lovely, loyal readers.


Assignment is due 03.07.11 


Do you accept?


-Schlitz

MISSION #3 GRADE

First thing's first, let's see if HilMF met all of the requirements of assignment.


1 - WikiLeaks
2 - Displaying how America is an Idiot


Agent, I must say this was a very nice read.  Your references were current and well thought out and I think you demonstrated one of the reasons America is an Idiot very clearly in a funny way.


Your grade for this assignment is A+, me likey, me likey alot.  I hope that this is just the first of many submissions on this subject.  I look forward to the next.


Extremely Excellent! Bravo! Encore!


-Schlitz

MISSION #3 Received

HilMF,


Submission received.


-Schlitz

MISSION #3 COMPLETED: America the Juvenile Idiot

Should a company be allowed to exist when their sole mission is to post documents and information deemed by their creators to be Top Secret, confidential and not for public viewing? Well whatever you feel the answer to be, the fact is that yes, such companies can and do legally exist.

America, in all its glory, is a bit like a hyper active child when they see or hear about something they want or find interesting. Like little Jimmy who for 2 months can think of nothing but the new action figure with supersonic sound effects but soon after could care less about it and leaves in on the grass for the lawnmower to discover, America too latches onto something big, loud and shinny and for a brief period of time can do nothing else. This past November, WikiLeaks was the biggest and shiniest toy in the store.

It’s a funny thing this day and age; it seems to be a period of time in which no matter how elevated your position, no matter how intellectual, famous, prestigious, or mundane you are, we as a society are on more level of a plane than ever before. I’m not sure how I feel about my senators gossiping about the international garb of foreign dignitaries on their internal back-and-forths. I’m not sure that I like knowing that congressman and school principals and high-powered attorneys thought Black Swan was “OMG so F-IN good and Natalie Portman was 2 hottttt”. Sure, we’re all people with the same genetic makeup but yeesh, I’d like to think that the people running our country are a little too busy with oh, say, running our country, to comment on Britney’s new haircut. That’s something people do with far too much free time do.

Remember that great quote from Eleanor Roosevelt where she exclaimed, “small minds discuss people, average minds discuss events and great minds discuss ideas”? Going by these standards, a very large percentage of Americans then possess very small minds. Can we please try and fix this? ...And I don’t mean switching from discussing Kim Kardashian in general to Kim Kardashian’s appearance at the hot Hollywood charity gala last night.

Julian gazes out from his island down south and wonders, "how do I get America to (further) look like a bumbling idiot?"